Chapter Two: A Student's Drama

This was written last 24th of October 2013 from my personal facebook profile ... although it's too personal but read the final paragraph in this letter I've posted here. Here, you'll read about those feelings I have as a performer, a former college student and an ordinary person. I wrote this way back when I was 2nd year college student (Music major).. I hope other college students felt the same as me being stressed out ... out of control .. or anything that causes a lot of commotions. I also wrote here about a classmate of mine (I will never mention it) but of course still learn from it that there are people like this that bleeds your heart (not being in love here but being bullied eh) and of course my greatest motivations and achievements included here.

I rant a lot, I do throw bad stuff a lot ... I want to express everything I feel.. although you literally hate me ... in the end you'll regret it someday ... you'll be experiencing such emotions I have right now.. frown emoticon sorry for the term. I admit that I throw tantrums.. many people looked over me and there is a meaning behind.. they feel pity.. cautious.. annoyed... pissed off or what. The people loves me .. I suffered those kind of incidents and that's common to a special child like me.. let's accept the fact then. 

Because of your strong hatred on me.. I still go on through my professionalism as a performer and I wont be affected by your suspicious acts, I wont stop, I wont give up. Someday You and I will have a strong friendly relationship unless we negotiate and that's the reason why I cry after the chorale rehearsal a day ago because I needed somebody and that's you .. even if my father became the witness of your friend's actions too although I still do nothing.. but at the back of my mind, it hurts a lot that someone never got my attention... although it's more offensive.. so you try to give me such heartaches.. unlike other girls, you're very welcome to them then what about me? I really want to reconcile with you.. that's my only and only simple request. 

I'll support your "diamond superstar" career. You're way older than me, although I'm very jealous that you're one of the stars in a play. You're way better that James Maslow or Logan Henderson (in a French accent) You're known already but I do not know why you're being not approachable at all.. You ignoring me and I'll return your ignorance back even more to you.. or I wont stop bothering you unless you're saying something to me. 

Come on then, let's get back to the past that we greet each other a "hello" and "goodbye" and all I really need is very stabled working relationship as friends by giving me regards and asking me if I could jam with you.. and I am more proud of receiving such angel call not the demon call that you gave me. If I were you, ask God and confess everything that you did recently. Ask forgiveness to those people you've hurt before and change your style of socialization, instead of having a shortcoming (especially to me) let's share some beautiful stories and analyze the climax like you did usually to your very group of friends and let's move on. 

For now, I'm not feeling good at all due to lack of social awareness (peer pressure is one). Just understand please, I never experience socializing in groups. Sorry if I say this honestly, I have to be transparent once and for all. Give me the time to practice socializing with you once and for all.. that's the opportunity ... I really need an answer and advises (not in an aggressive way) .. I'm sorry for those who will be affected .. you have to be aware also .. not ignoring and playing people's honest feelings ... 

I feel down, depressed, nothing without the group of my friends in the ensemble.. all I really need is not just practicing a single hymn or a double or a lot, I really need a pure friendship since we were more schoolmates studying in the same school sharing the same dream together not making bad and cornish talks .. because there is no such thing as "never please everyone" unless you're doing it formally with conviction. Don't leave me behind the bunker or in the backyard. I wish you're saying that I'm not invisible to me but calling me your cheerful angel in the bunch. 

Speaking of 2nd sem, since many comments said that I have to continue my studies, I do fight for it since my mom changed my mind after many of my friends prayed that I have to continue studying.. and that motivated me to make friends more and more in school, it's kinda stressful and depressing sometimes because of many paperworks and projects. I choose to have a 9-unit curriculum instead of curriculum assigned by the dean.. I do think that some of the GE subjects are required by CHED and I have to accomplish them without failing much. If you would ask me on how are my academics.. it's just fine but I receive 2 Fs this semester, I honestly can't do the task of submitting paper works because it was not my natural forte. I am more on special projects I'm sorry if I never informed my profs. It was a blessing that I passed Rudiments of Music 1 while Ear Training/Dictation 3 failed due to lack of training. This semester, I'll recover from the pains I have last sem. This time I'll learn consistency over time is more important. 

I wish this pain I have will easily gone.. and gone.. forgive me for I'm posting such long story... but I know some of you posted some status updated like this right? 

Hope you're having a good day ahead of you.Just open your eyes to the truth and the truth will set you free.

‪#‎DramaticDay‬

Chapter One: The Tulip and the Turntable

Credits: http://www.dillerodell.org/

Speaking of autism, this April is both a major month for persons with autism like me. It is both an awareness and acceptance month. This celebrations calls for our attention to support persons with autism who made a major role in making a difference as what normal people can do. Inspite the condition, people with autism can be very unique in their own ways and special in our hearts, also being bundles of joy like babies. As what God is challenging to us since disabled persons where born during the biblical times.

The 8th Autism Awareness Day falls on the Maundy Thursday (April 2) in which I've posted my status update about autism awareness and Maundy Thursday:

"Maundy Thursday is not just commemorating the Lord's last night in Gethsemane it is also commemorating silently the World Autism Awareness Day as we give awareness to people with autism. I'm a proud person with autism who is also known for my great uniqueness in life. Just always remember that both commemorating events went on solemnity as the Lord blesses the people with autism as their present this Maundy Thursday as they made their lives more unique than they thought."
 — Vell Baria (posted on April 2, 2015 for Facebook personal profile)

In which it has an excellent connection with God's last night at the Gethsemane before he was crucified. Therefore, God's struggles during his last night and on the good Friday can be very relevant to persons with autism. They [autism persons] experience the sufferings as what God experienced during his sufferings too; like being threatened, bullied by their classmates in school, sometimes being intimidated by other peers especially to those in a high society in which they suffered the scars in their hearts - ended being isolated for those kinds of tortured treatments that also lead to suicide (in which it is not usual to the PWAs). 

From the scripture 2 Cor 12:9 “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me”." I do believe that this teaches us that the solution to our depressing heart is gaining enough strength by asking God's guidance. It also teaches us that whenever we were hurt, rejected by their peers and being depressed; we're still able to be stronger by overcoming those hard feelings in spite of conditions and problems were dealing. Also from 1 Peter 5:10  "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." tells us that if there are pressures, problems, other deeper problems, just always remember that God is always our comforter. 

Yes, I have this condition - having autism spectrum disorder. Struggling with this, some said that I'm not that obvious in my condition [autism] but the truth is, they do not know my deeper side that I've struggled many times like being bullied to being rejected to being traumatized to being an outcast since at my childhood memories. I also experienced of realizing that I have a heart of a child in which sometimes I don't understand my parents instructions especially when simply updating them on where am I at this moment. I also experienced depression after a traumatize problems in school in which resulted to arguing with my parents especially to my father in which we easily made a fast resolution by asking God's guidance for giving back the good relationship because I can't have any other families like my true family. I also experience the comfort of God by finding my true lines of intelligence that I can do talents like my major talent in performing and also inspiring people can be also my skill. Also, I was being motivated by doing things that made me happy like meeting new friends and of course, being welcomed in their group with open arms. In which the scripture in this experience says that Is 61:3 "God gives us beauty for ashes"

Although it's my flash back blog entry since the Holy week has ended many weeks ago, it is also remembering that God has loved people with autism in spite of the condition. So this was the true reason why I made this blog that has played it's major role that autism people needs more bundle of good blessings, courage and comfort from God. Always remember that God also loved these PWAs and were given more blessings for their interest in inspiring people, hoping to continue to do their role in proving those people who didn't believe in them more realizing that God has always called PWAs as God's angels. Leave behind the judgments, the negative energies and other things that would destruct those PWAs and PWDs.

PWAs like me can relate my life in to a Tulip flower because our life is colorful and stands tall like the rest, while turntable, it turns around but controlled by a pair of finger, my life can be turned backward for the past things especially the past good things. This memories of struggles and triumphs of a PWA or a PWD made more of a milestone for them to know where they came from since their birth. This post also tells not just my story alone but also other's experiences and struggles.

by Vell Baria

  

Credits to the owners